On Becoming What We Love, Part 2

Maybe "true joy" can always co-exist with pain, not as a fantasy experiment, but as a natural manifestation of a loving-centered life.

The Slow Way is a reader-supported newsletter, and I love writing these reflections and invitations to spiritual practice each week. If you love this letter, would you consider becoming a supporter? This newsletter is free and available to everyone, but those who support it financially make this project possible. To all who are already financial supports, I am so grateful for you!

This is the second of a three-week series on what our habits reveal to us about what we love. If you haven’t read last week’s letter, find it here!

In this week’s episode of Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens Podcast, she interviews Father Greg Boyle, Jesuit priest and founder of Homeboy Industries in LA, a gang intervention, drug rehabilitation, and re-entry program. This interview was fantastic. Everyone go listen to it. What I found most beautiful about the conversation was the authenticity of Father Boyle’s faith—his warmth and muscular hope. When the choices we make in our daily lives are motivated by love (and not ego), we’re able to choose hope and vision for the people around us. A person who practices care for others, motivated by authentic joy, will become a transforming and non-anxious presence no matter how much pain continues to exist around them. Boyle has managed to work with recovering gang members and drug addicts for forty years, while moving toward more joy and more hope. 

When my older boys were young I had a few prayers I said over them every night. One was this: I pray he will love the things God loves. This has always seemed like the clearest prayer I can pray for my children. To love what God loves: to delight in people, in creation, in goodness, in joy. To find life and satisfaction in connection, as opposed to a life of performance and shallow distraction. 

Last week I wrote about how my ministry with middle and high school students has required me to re-narrate my own story of faith in the pursuit of communicating and inviting the teenagers in my life to a whole and healthy faith, and how my fellow youth leaders and I spent our weekend away with our students inviting them to see spiritual practices as “habits that transform us.” Our habits show us what we love. And if we want to change who we are becoming, we change what we love. 

So how do we move toward shaping our loves? Greg Boyle says we start with joy. A few weeks ago I approached the subject of sacred pleasure, looking for a word to convey authentic human flourishing, and whether or not following the path of connection with God, ourselves and others, compassion, and the pursuit of goodness in the world always leads to the truest form of pleasure. I’m not convinced it doesn’t, though I know that word pleasure can be problematic.

In New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton was definitely convinced that pleasure was not the word we need, particularly when it comes to rest: “Do not look for rest in any pleasure, because you were not created for pleasure: you were created for spiritual JOY. And if you do not know the difference between pleasure and spiritual joy you have not yet begun to live.” He goes on, “Life in this world is full of pain. But pain, which is the contrary of pleasure, is not necessarily the contrary of happiness or joy.”

In his interview with Kate Bowler, Greg Boyle quotes a friend when he says it this way: “‘Once you know the God of love you fire all the other gods’. . . The other gods are the ones that are operative, saying ‘it’s all about you and make sure that you’re happy’. . . But the goal in allowing the folks at the margins to make you different—the goal is joy, everybody inhabiting it in an exquisitely mutual way.”

Joy that is exquisitely mutual. When joy is exquisitely mutual—we are living for more than ego or performance. We aren’t striving for a shallow sense of pleasure or happiness. In mutual joy, we can hold one another’s suffering or sadness and life’s challenges—while continuing to delight in the people, stories, and beauty around us. This is not in a fantasy experiment; joy can occur in the midst of pain. Merton’s view of pleasure is the shallow concept of making sure we’re happy at all costs. And that shallow pleasure’s power is “restrained and killed by pain and suffering.” But he sees “joy, in so far as it is true,” as being “above pain.” 

In response to our youth groups discussions over the weekend, one of my students said this to the group: “I used to believe things just happened to me, and now I am realizing I am in charge of my own happiness. I can choose to be happy.” 

What are they talking about? Is it happiness, joy, deep soul pleasure? In Blessed Are The Rest of Us I used the phrase “authentic human happiness” and “wholeness” to say the same thing. When we love the things God loves, we find a satisfaction growing in the core of us. This satisfaction is difficult to define, but I think my student was getting at it when they spoke those words. We can always choose joy, in the midst of sorrow and suffering. 

Again, here’s Father Boyle: “You move from others-centered…to loving-centered. And you go, ‘Oh…loving is my home and now I’m never going to be homesick. And that becomes the place of joy. And that’s why practice is so inextricably connected to being able to know ‘my joy yours, your joy complete.’”

So, if we are what we love, how do we move toward habits of joy / sacred pleasure / authentic human happiness? How do we build in ourselves habits that move us from concern for others to others-centered, and eventually to loving-centered? There’s no easy answer to this question. I believe it begins with prayerful awareness of our habits, and asking why we do what we do. 

The ultimate goal is to build habits that lead us to a life of being “loving-centered.” To love the things that God loves, and to allow those loves to continually transform us, so that we can serve and love the people around us from a place of joy, no matter the challenges we face.

A Slow Practice

Last week we began the work of creating a rule of life by asking ourselves questions about particular aspects of our lives. We wondered: “What stands between my life as it is now and the healthy spiritual life I want to have?”

Let’s continue the process today. If you weren’t able to consider these things last week, I suggest you begin with the questions I posed then. Find them here.

Just a reminder, this is a significant series of questions, and they should be asked carefully, intentionally, and with enough space, time, and consideration that if you do come to a point of creating commitments, you’re able to follow through. Again, see last week’s questions here. 

Today we’re not making decisions around a rule of life, we’re simply continuing the process. Take some time to consider each area of your life: Who do you want to be and what small habits can you build to grow the love of what is most important to you? 

Let’s begin by becoming aware and prayerful. 

Breathe in: Here I am.

Breathe out: Lead me in the way I should go.

If you have a journal you may want to write down notes and responses to the questions as you go. Move through each category, giving yourself plenty of time:

Soul 

Last week I asked you to consider what loves in your life make you aware of your connection with God, and what loves distract you. You also took time to write down what you imagine a healthy soul would look like for you individually. And you asked yourself what spiritual practices feed your soul. Today take it a step further.

• How do I want to nourish my connection with God on a daily basis? 

• When I consider the loves in my life that distract me from that connection with God, what do I want to do about them? 

• Last week you wrote down what spiritual practices (prayer, meditation, scripture reading, encountering visual or musical art, rest, engagement with the natural world, service, etc.) feed your soul. What spiritual practice do you want to focus on inviting into your daily rhythm? 

• You considered what stands between your life as it is now and the healthy spiritual life you want to have. If you add in a spiritual practice, what steps would you need to take to make it a habit so it becomes something you love?

Mind

Last week we asked what requires your attention each day and what you wish you were giving attention to. You asked yourself, “If I could focus my mind on more valuable loves, what would they be?”

• Look back at your “problematic loves” that get more of your attention than you would like, and write down what you want to do about those loves.

• What is one thing you could adjust in your habits so you’re giving your attention to what really matters to you?

Body

Last week we considered whether or not we prioritize the health of our bodies as much as the health of our souls and minds. We filled in the blank: “If I loved my body as God loves me, I would ___.”

• What small step can I take to prioritize the health of my body this week?

• What habit can I add around my thoughts that I may begin to adjust the internal dialogue I have around my body?

• If there is something that stands in the way of caring for my body (whether it’s how I respond to my pain, how I feed myself, or what I say to myself about my body) what habit do I want to build into my life to transform how I see/treat/speak to myself? 

Vocation

Last week we looked for moments of joy of in our work days, considering what brings fulfillment in our work, and what we wish to change in order to experience satisfaction. We also considered our work ethic, and what that says to us about what we love.

• What habit can I add to my work day to begin to build moments of joy in the midst of the stress, challenges, or intensity of my work?

• How can I notice and stay connected to the gifts I’m offering the world, reminding myself of the beauty of how my Creator made me?

• If I struggle to do my best in the workplace, what habit can I add to my life that will build my commitment to do good work?

• How can I build habits of connection to the people I encounter at my job?

Family 

Last week we looked at who we consider to be our family and how we might invest more deeply in those relationships, asking if our family interactions reflect the self-giving generosity of Jesus’s example.

• What habit can I add to my life to help me prioritize moments of connection with the people I love?

• When I consider the loves getting in the way of those relationships, what habits can I build to help me see and adjust my time in order to prioritize relationship over those other loves? 

Community

Last week we considered our community and how we’re making time for friendships that nourish our minds, souls, and bodies. We asked ourselves, “If I haven’t made friendships a priority, what other loves have taken precedent?” We also considered service, and what habits we might want to build to care for our communities in an embodied way.

• What is a small step I can make this week to build a habit toward creating or maintaining the friendships that are important to me?

• If I feel drawn to more acts of service but am not sure where to begin, what small step can I take this week to move toward building that habit?

Next week, we’ll finish this series and I’ll give you a final practice to make some commitments and become more intentional in your rule of life. Let me know if this more intensive practice has been helpful to you! 

A list of things:

• I’ll be continuing this series on writing a rule of life for the next few weeks! Stay tuned. :)

• Attention all you Lancaster, PA folks! 

  • I’ll be doing a reading at the adorable Nooks Bookshop in Lancaster tomorrow, October 12 at 7:30pm. I’d love for you to join me then! Find tickets here. 

  • If you’re a parent or caregiver of a child with Down syndrome I’ll be at Gigi’s Playhouse Lancaster tomorrow (Saturday) morning at 11:30. I’ll have books for sale!

• Other events coming up: 

  • I’ll be in Amarillo, Texas at Central Church of Christ speaking at their Faith Forum Nov. 3 on “Redefining Blessed.” 

  • I’ll be with The Lucky Few podcast for a live podcast event at the National Down Syndrome Society’s Adult Summit in Orange County, CA November 14-16!

• As always, my new book Blessed Are The Rest of Us is available wherever books are sold, but you can find at 40% off the price of other booksellers at BakerBookHouse. Just use the code SLOWWAY at checkout.