On Becoming What We Love, Part 3

We don’t change our habits through shame. We don’t change them through wallowing in our failures. We change them through transformative love.

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for the frantic strivers, serial doers, and weary achievers

This is the second of a three-week series on what our habits reveal to us about what we love. If you haven’t read last week’s letter, find it here!

Last Sunday my pastor Michael Rudzena preached about the Parable of the Rich Young Man from Mark 10, a story that tends to make all the people who own things (read: you, if you’re a person who has the time and resources to read a substack article) uncomfortable. In the story a “rich young man” comes to Jesus asking how he might inherit “eternal life.” (Here’s something fascinating! My pastor explained a bit of how the man’s use of the phrase “eternal life,” wouldn’t have necessarily meant “heaven.” The phrase he used literally meant “life of the age,” which Michael described as “an implicit idea that God is guiding us toward a good future,” and which NT Wright describes as, “the kind of life that’s possible when God gets God’s way.” I’d say, it’s the dream of God coming true.  If you’re interested in digging into this deeper, you can watch Michael’s sermon here.)

The Rich Young Man, also sometimes called The Rich Young Ruler, is a landowner. This is a significant part of the story. As Michael taught in his sermon, in the first century, you didn’t become a wealthy landowner by being a generous person and making sure everyone had the opportunities they needed. You gathered land by accumulating it from people in debt. You took land from folks struggling. When Jesus tells the rich young man that he may be getting the commandments right, but he’s missing something, my pastor said he’s referring to the ways the young man has gathered power and money at the expense of others. The Greek phrase used when Jesus says to “go and sell all that you have” is actually “go and sell all your lands.” 

There is a life that God dreams for this landowner, and it is interconnected with the well being of those from whom he has taken. Jesus taps into the landowner’s imagination, but the young man walks away sad because he’s not been transformed enough to give up his power for the sake of others. That’s what Jesus is asking of him, and asking of all of us. 

Michael said one other thing that has stayed with me this week as I’ve reflected on this passage: “We’re driven forward by desire,” he said. “We’re not pushed forward by duty.” 

And so we come back to the beginning of this three-part series. How do we transform our desires so that we can be moved forward toward the interdependency Jesus imagined for this young man, the mutual joy that God dreams for us? 

Last week my friend and podcast cohost Heather posted on Instagram about her continual disappointment that her 16 year old, Macy, who has Down syndrome (and who loves hiphop dancing more than anything) was not able to find a group of friends—disabled or non-disabled—to attend the homecoming dance with. Even though the typical public high school has a club to connect disabled and non-disabled kids, it seems to be mostly a resume-building club, something nice that good kids do during one lunch a week, but not an organization that has led to inclusion in the school. The existence of this club hasn’t created friendships for her daughter; and it hasn’t led to an invitation for Macy to go to the school dance with her peers. (By the way, this is not a passive thing. Heather has reached out to people on behalf of Macy and hasn’t found anyone she can go with. Macy doesn’t have the phone numbers of the people in the club to text and ask if she can come along.) 

Heather’s point of her post is that there is more to inclusion than a club. True inclusion leads to transformation. And I’d say that real inclusion can’t exist until there is mutual care, mutual dependency. That kind of change must always begin with the people who own the power, the students in that club who are non-disabled. It’s a change that starts with love. A non-disabled student would need to move beyond nice lunches with the students in the life-skills class, and want to be a real friend outside of official scheduled lunches. They would need to change their habits of who they think about when planning their social lives. They would not only need a vision for a school community where students with disabilities are part of the life of the school; they would have to change their social choices to make it happen. 

What comes first, recognizing that a kid like Macy wants to go to the Homecoming dance and has no friends to go with? Or finding in oneself the desire to make sure a kid like Macy is invited to go? Does recognizing the need begin to lead us to changing our habits?

In the case of the rich young man, there was a form of desire. He wanted to live a “life of the age,” a life in step with God’s goodness. And he was trying as best as he knew how. He was following the commandments, which is no easy thing! But he was missing something—he didn’t see the injustice his accumulation of wealth had left in his wake. His very name in this story is a descriptor of his wealth. How could he be expected to undo his identity for an abstract idea that others have suffered in order for him to gain? 

Last week we considered what it means to make our end goal “joy that is exquisitely mutual,” as Greg Boyle explained in his interview with Kate Bowler. Here’s what I wrote:

When joy is exquisitely mutual—we are living for more than ego or performance. We aren’t striving for a shallow sense of pleasure or happiness. In mutual joy, we can hold one another’s suffering or sadness and life’s challenges—while continuing to delight in the people, stories, and beauty around us. This is not in a fantasy experiment; joy can occur in the midst of pain. 

As the story ends, the rich young man is not yet able to live in exquisitely mutual joy, because his love and desire continues to rest in his own comfort, his own accumulation. Until he can move toward releasing his comfort for the sake of others, he will miss out on the dream of God in his life. 

What about us? There are many ways to go with this story. I can begin to list the ways my accumulation of clothing has relied on underpaid people whose working conditions are abhorrent. I know abstractly that there are folks who have no warm place to sleep while I sleep comfortably under blankets in a warm home. And as I consider Macy’s story, I can imagine the peers I missed the chance to include when I was in high school, unaware that as I went to the homecoming dance with a group of friends, there were kids who wanted to be there but had no friends to go with. 

I don’t believe the story of the rich young man is simply meant to make us all feel guilty. We all know that this world is unjust and we have played a part. But I do believe it’s a particular story meant to invite us to see our lives particularly. In what ways are we missing out on the dream God has for us because of desire? Because we don’t yet love the things that God loves? 

And how do we begin to change our loves? How do we begin to move beyond the “disability club” and toward real relationships? How do we begin to recognize who has been hurt on our way to comfort? 

Here’s the part of the story I haven’t mentioned yet. In Mark 10:21, after the rich young man has asked his question of Jesus, and before Jesus asks him to do a very difficult thing, the story says this: “And Jesus, looking at him, loved him…” 

The love comes first, before the request that just might change your life. And maybe the rich young man’s story isn’t over yet. Love has a way of transforming us. Love changes our desires. 

This series may have revealed to each of us the parts of our lives we long to change. And if you come away with anything in this series, I hope it’s this: Love changes us. What we love changes us, and who loves us changes us. 

Jesus looked at him and loved him. And then he invited him into something difficult, that would ultimately result in “exquisitely mutual joy.” 

This is our invitation too, friends. We don’t change our habits through shame. We don’t change them through wallowing in our failures. We change them through love—receiving the same divine love Jesus offered that young man, the same divine love being shown to you. And you begin to change your loves by making small steps toward shifting your habits. 

I’m pretty sure that if one student in the disability club made the step to seek Macy’s joy, to get her phone number, to take her out for ice cream, they just might discover the mutual joy of being with her. We are interconnected and one small act of love creates more love. 

And that just might be the greatest treasure we can discover in this life. 

A Slow Practice 

This practice is our conclusion to our three week introduction to creating a rule of life. If you haven’t worked through the questions of the last two weeks, stop reading this and hop to Week 1 and Week 2, which will guide you through intentional questions about the choices you make on a daily and weekly basis, why you do what you do, what you love, and what you want to love. As you work through these questions, I think you’ll be prepared for today’s final practice, and may begin to write down or edit the commitments you’ve made in each part of your life.

One of the gifts of doing this intentionally is that you’ll begin to see how the things you love are shaping your life. Sometimes this is a relief to see on paper! Sometimes it’s discouraging. But I hope this series has reminded you that when we can recognize the reality of our loves, we can begin making small changes to shape those loves. 

As you sit down to form a rule of life, I want you to know that this is not a forever commitment! Our rules of life can change in different seasons. What is important is that we’re looking for small habits we can commit to in this particular season of life. How will you live right now, at the age you are, with the responsibilities you have, among the people who belong to you? Are there commitments that may transform your habits in your life right now? 

One more reminder: This is a highly individualized practice for a reason! We are not taking monastic vows here or signing ourselves up for spiritual practices that exhaust us or bring more guilt or shame into our lives. This is a practice to help us intentionally commit to following the way of Jesus in every area of our lives by making small changes, and doing so in the pursuit of greater love. If this is going to bring you more guilt than joy, this might not be the moment in your life to make these kinds of commitments! 

To begin I encourage you to gather all the notes you’ve taken over the past two practices. If you wrote down responses to the first series of questions we asked, pull them out and lay them side by side next to the second series of questions we asked. If it helps you to write things on posters or big sheets of paper, do that! Or open a clean page in your journal and jot down everything you noticed about your “soul” in week one and two. Do the same for each section—Mind, Body, Vocation, etc—giving each part of your life its own page or poster. 

I like to sit on the carpet and spread my notes around me to make sure I can see all my thoughts at the same time. But you could do this on the bed, or at the dining room table. The hope is that you can place yourself somewhere where your notes to yourself and your answers to the questions of these practices, are within the line of your site. 

Let’s reflect on all that you’ve gathered so far, and where you want to go next:

Again, if you haven’t considered the previous questions we worked through, find Week One here. And find Week Two here. 

Let’s begin by becoming aware and prayerful. 

Breathe in: Here I am.

Breathe out: Lead me in the way I should go.

Prayerfully begin moving through your notes on each section. What questions over the past two weeks have spoken most deeply to you? 

As you consider the questions and your answers to them, ask the Spirit to help you discern your next step in that area of your life. So, as you look back at your responses to our two weeks of reflections, you may be drawn to last week’s question: What stands between your life as it is now and the healthy spiritual life you want to have? If so, perhaps there was an answer you came to last week. What does that answer tell you about a next step you would take? 

Soul 

• When considering my soul, what questions and answers from my time of reflection have been most significant to me? 

• What have my responses told me about a next step I’d like to commit to? 

• How might this change nourish my soul’s connection with God? 

• If I’m ready, what one commitment in this aspect of my life would I like to make? 

Mind

• When considering my mind, what questions or responses from the past two weeks have been most meaningful or powerful to me? 

• What have my responses told me about a next step I’d like to commit to? 

• How might this change nourish my mind’s connection with God? 

• If I’m ready, what one commitment in this aspect of my life would I like to make?

Body

• When considering my body, what questions or responses from the past two weeks have been most meaningful or powerful to me? 

• What do my responses tell me about a next step I’d like to commit to? 

• How might this change nourish my body’s connection with God? 

• If I’m ready, what one commitment in this aspect of my life would I like to make?

Vocation

• When considering my career or vocational path, what questions or responses from the past two weeks have been most meaningful or powerful to me? 

• What do my responses tell me about a next step I’d like to commit to? 

• How might this change nourish my vocational connection with God? 

• If I’m ready, what one commitment in this aspect of my life would I like to make?

Family 

• When considering the needs, realities, and responsibilities related to my family, what questions or responses from the past two weeks have been most meaningful or powerful to me? 

• What do my responses tell me about a next step I’d like to commit to? 

• How might this change nourish my connection with God in the midst of family responsibilities? 

• If I’m ready, what one commitment in this aspect of my life would I like to make?

Community

• When considering the community I belong to or want to find belong to, what questions or responses from the past two weeks have been most meaningful or powerful to me? 

• What do my responses tell me about a next step I’d like to commit to? 

• How might this commitment to my community nourish my connection with God? 

• If I’m ready, what one commitment in this aspect of my life would I like to make?

As you end this time prayer look back at your six commitments to your life. This is your “first draft” of your rule of life. Write it down where you can see it or stick in a book or somewhere you come back to often. This rule can be revised! Sit with these commitments and begin to move toward them, adjusting as you deem necessary. If you start to sense that this isn’t the right commitment for this moment of your life, then prayerfully consider editing! The point of this exercise is to know how you are moving intentionally toward the life God dreams for you, how you are building habits that lead to more love. Allow this rule of life to transform you. If that’s not happening, perhaps there’s more to unpack, and more to discover about what you love and what you want to love!

Close with this prayer:

Help me, Spirit, to recognize all the love I am invited into. May I move toward the good life with joy and freedom. Amen.

A list of things:

• My dear friend Jayne Sugg is an incredible musician whose debut album releases this Sunday, October 20th! If you have moved through any kind of faith evolution or deconstruction, Jayne’s album is for you. She gives language to the pain and beauty of the spiritual life and how unsettling it can be when our faith changes from what we’ve always known. And her music, y’all. It’s so cool. Funky, soulful pop. I can’t recommend her enough. Find her on Spotify, Instagram, or on her website!

• Another friend of mine, Alicia Divers, is a spiritual director and somatics practitioner who is offering an in person and virtual four-week somatics class. If you’re like me, you may be new to somatics (a therapeutic practice that nourishes the body-soul connection). This class will be a perfect introduction for you, and if you’re a reader of The Slow Way, I think it will be up your alley. It’s called “Anchored Within: Embodying Calm and Action through Somatic Practice.” Find out more here.  

• Events coming up: 

  • I’ll be in Amarillo, Texas at Central Church of Christ speaking at their Faith Forum Nov. 3 on “Redefining Blessed.” 

  • I’ll be with The Lucky Few podcast for a live podcast event at the National Down Syndrome Society’s Adult Summit in Orange County, CA November 14-16!

• As always, my new book Blessed Are The Rest of Us is available wherever books are sold, but you can find at 40% off the price of other booksellers at BakerBookHouse. Just use the code SLOWWAY at checkout.