When pastors fail
I’m over at A Deeper Story today writing about an issue that continues to come close to my life: Can we protect our pastors from shame and ministry-destroying failure? Is it possible that we–their congregation, the people they lead–have a role to play in creating space for them to be honest, to seek help, to do more than bury their issues under a ministerial persona?
Here’s an excerpt:
We are a people who are far too often controlled by shame. And it seems that nowhere is shame stronger than in the church, where, though we are quick to talk about confession and vulnerability, we are still trained to hide our darkest failures, especially when it comes to sex. No one wants their pastor confessing to having a porn addiction. We’d much rather hear that he or she is struggling with pride or impatience, something that feels controllable, something that doesn’t make us squirm.
Pastors know that. They know what we want from them–smiles and wisdom and faithful care. And, often, they can give us those things all while being so internally twisted that they can’t even admit to themselves what they do in their shadow hours.
It feels safer to insist on perfection from our pastors. It hurts less. It’s doesn’t challenge our faith. It doesn’t force us to live in the messiness of reality. We demand our pastors lead perfect lives because we want their lives to give us permission to trust in God’s ability to change us. We want to believe that what they teach is real, that God can restore us because our pastors have been restored. We don’t want to know about their inner failures. If they are broken then what does it say about us? About God?
The expectations we hold for pastors often demand their perfection and appearance of holiness, without making space for them to struggle, to live vulnerably, to get help. Why are we so afraid to talk about sexuality in the church, especially to allow our leadership to talk about it? Why can we not accept that people who have been changed by the gospel are still being changed? That we need each other? That our minds are dangerous places? That we are really good at lying to ourselves, especially when we are in leadership, especially when we have an image to protect?
And so a pastor’s addiction remains secret until someone finds out, or until its slippery slope leads to a steep crash off the cliff into public sexual misconduct.